There are some milestone moments in life that you just don’t forget. Your first day of school. The first time you drove a car. The first time you motorboated a strippers greasy butt cheeks. But when it comes to fitness, there are some things that really stand out. I’m talking about the things you really worked hard to achieve. Moments that made you jump with joy and uppercut a nun. The kind of moments you brag about like that butt slut Tom Brady bragging about his… stupid face or something I don’t know. I just don’t like that guy. Anyway these moments get burned into your memory and are something you will always be proud of. Moments such as,
1. Benching 2 plates.
Oh the glory. The first time you put 2 plates on the bar, unrack it with arms that are jiggling like a bowl of Bill Cosby’s drugged up jello, then bring it down and push that motherfucker back up for a full range of motion rep. Holy fuck does that make you feel good. For us naturally skinny guys, it’s like getting your first BJ on prom night. It just feels so damn awesome to put up that kind of weight. Especially if you are on the weaker side and it took months or even years of working up to it. No matter what any fuckface says to you in life, they can’t take away that lift. They can’t cheat you out of those gains. Cheat like that knob gobbler Tom Brady. Suck it Tom Brady. (I don’t know if Tom Brady can bench 2 plates, but he can still suck it.)
2. Dunking a basketball.
I’m 5’10”, very white, and use to be 150 lbs. I always loved playing basketball but growing up I constantly heard the bullshit white man can’t jump jokes. So as a teen I trained and trained until one day, BLAM! I just barely dunked. But I fucking did it so there. Eventually I got to the point where I could put my whole elbow in the rim, but I never forgot how great it felt the very first time I dunked. Now I’m 200 lbs and dunking is a good bit harder. One, I’m pushing 30 and 15 years of dunking put a hurting on my knees, and two, 50 extra pounds is a lot of weight to jump with. Either way it just feels cool when someone ask if you ever dunked and you can say, “Suck it Tom Brady, I sure as shit have dunked before.”
3. Deadlifting 4 plates.
Do you want to feel like a half man half gorilla? Deadlift 4 plates and you are on your way. The first time you break the 400 lb mark is sweet as hell. How many average people can say they have picked up 405 lbs? Not many. Think about it, that’s heavy as fuck. Even after you move on to much more impressive lifts, that 405 is still something to be proud of. For most men that’s at least double their bodyweight. Keep working at it and you might end up lifting cows and shit.You will feel like a giant the first time you lift that kind of weight. You will get a lot more respect in the gym too after that. Except maybe from that one guy. You know the one, he really hates Giants. Kinda looks like a douche. Talking about you Tom Brady suck it!
4. 100 pushups.
This might not seem like a big deal for most but how many of you routinely do pushups? How many can you do right now? I remember as a kid it was really impressive to be able to do 50 pushups. Now as an adult, 100 sounds reasonable, but unless you are in the military or something, most people don’t train for it. The first time I did 100 pushups was on a whim. I was in a dirty beer cooler and my buddy randomly bet me I couldn’t do it. I did, but I felt like complete horse shit after that. Might of been because the bet involved chugging a Mickey’s big can before and after the pushups. But that’s neither here nor there. I still was quite proud of myself though. I don’t how many pushups I can bang out right now, but I know 100 would be tough. Just like banging your wife Tom Brady! Suck my ass.
5. Running under a 6 minute mile.
Look, running sucks ass. I was not a track and field guy so running was never my thing. For an average guy, running under a 6 minute mile is pretty tough. The first time you run under 6 is pretty cool, if you can breathe that is. I had asthma in middle school and I hit a 6 minute mile on our stupid running test and I would rather eat a spoonful of monkey spunk than do that shit again. Some of us just aren’t runners so this milestone is pretty impressive to us. Even if middle school track kids can do it with ease. Some people just really like running though. Like that cock knocker Tom Brady who runs away from the rules. Suck a butt Tom Brady!